Today at church my boys sang these words: “I am chosen, not forsaken. I am who You say I am. You are for me, not against me. I am who You say I am.”
And I’m already crying.
We have many discussions about God at our house. Not just the super great family devotion times (eye roll), but the “I hate God because He let all this happen to me” talks. It’s hard to hear. It’s hard to respond. It’s hard to direct their thoughts. It is a topic that we definitely converse with our kids about, but also keep our distance. I am a strong believer that their doubts have merit. Who am I to tell them that they shouldn’t blame God for their past? Who am I to feed them my own opinions about faith? I understand the argument that I am their parent so it is my job to make sure they know the Truth. But I do that, and it doesn’t happen by refuting their difficult questions and doubts about God’s goodness or existence. The spiritual doubt and fears in adoption is not a popular topic. I mean, it’s pretty paralyzing to think that the view that my adopted kids (present and future) have of God as a parental, unconditional love lands on my shoulders because the first set of parents screwed it up. God as their Father? That’s a tough concept.
So, we talk about their specific struggles and thoughts whenever they want to bring it up, and we do all of our “normal” religious rituals of prayer, church, Bible reading/memorizing, family devotions, etc. Jonathon and I are simply listening ears to the ramblings of “God doesn’t exist”, “I hate God”, “He doesn’t even love me or I would be with my real parents”. We share why we believe that God is alive and why He is still good and how much He does love them. But stating facts is all that we can do for them. God must answer their questions and doubts in His own, real way. Some days I think that I need to get involved, but most days I trust fully that the exposure to Him is all we need to do. I can choose to be worried about their 100% belief in the God I know to be real or I can allow them to witness what my relationship with God looks like. I choose the latter.
But deep in my heart, I want them to see just how great and wise and truly good My King is. I know that is the only way that my 2 precious boys will heal. And oh I want them to be healed from all the awful hurts they have. So today when we were singing these words I brought them close and reminded them just what it meant what they were saying.
“I am chosen, not forsaken. I am who You say I am. You are for me, not against me. I am who You say I am.”
Those words ring true in my own heart as someone who has been redeemed by the Savior. But those words. THOSE WORDS. coming from the mouths of my wounded, broken, chaotic, once fatherless, burdened children. That is redemption. That is God’s goodness. That is healing.